Some thoughts…

It has been quite a while since I last updated my blog. So many things had happened. Bad and good things. Yet, when i count the blessings I have, my choice is right. Why invest you time in something that is unfruitful, ploughing and sowing into unfertile soil? A change in environment is good… at least I step out and i grow. Why limit myself in a fish tank? I should head for things bigger and greater, so that I can fully maxmise my potential. Go for the oceans… where the deeps are. If we procrastinate… we will never know much more we can do.

Just came back from Taiwan… it has been quite an interest trip. Really work hard and play hard. Like I said, every trip is different, each trip I played a different role, experience different things. The people there really appreciate us for what we’ve done, but Iittle did they know that I’m more blessed just by being there. I feel that it’s time that we should reflect on our love for Jesus, the very first love that we experience when walk down the aisle to recieve Him as LORD. And we should also reflect on much much have we appreciate our leaders of what they have done for us so far, i realise that the people there really love PK. When is the last time we thank even say "thank you" to our pastor, zone sup and CGLs. Last thing I want to say is… how much have we really love God that we are willing to give Him our whole self (my all) that I want to serve Him. The people there were so young (i mean 17-22) yet they are really serving God in ministries like head of ursher, evangelist, leading praise and worship in service… and yet, we are so comfortable in who we are, where we are now. As I fellowship with them, I really sense their passion to serve… eg leaving fellowship  early just to go home to prepare P&W for the next day, and rejoin us again after they have finished with their preparation which is near midnight. They really set aside time to serve God… and being serious in serving God. Practically walk the walk.

Maybe we have move on to another phase of life where we start to plan for our future. But we should never forget how privilledge we are as S’rean. Serious! Till now to the end of SOT, my team mate has yet to get his student pass as a result, he got to travel in and out of the country. If it is difficult for people of other country to come over.. then we with the advantage should be going over.

I feel that what’s over is over… and learnt my lesson. With the experience of the fall in the previous job… I learn how to be a better person if I do have people under me. t still can be a lesson learn although it is a negative one .. hahha… . A good leader directs, not enforce their ways for others to follow. I thank God for the leaders that He has place above me. I pray for the person of my previous job, that she will gain wisdom… that someday when she looks back… she will be fruitful, not in her contribution of hardwork to the company… but influencing life as a leader. Because we live life not to be hard working person, doing the mandate work for 40 years of our life counting ourselve useful for the society.. but a life that is fruitful and has really live the LIFE!

Indeed God is faithful, and although He is not early, He is never late.
So many blessing just came when I sign up for SOT. First, my SOT school fees is fully paid for, on top of that, I was blessed with a month monetary blessing. Kind of getting a scholarship to study in SOT with fully subsidy in school fee and a monthly allowance.. hahha…
Still I’m very very thankful to all of you whom have contribute to my “scholarship”, I’m really really blessed!!! Thank you for being so supportive and generous in your giving, Im really really grateful. Ahead may not be easy, but I know, besides Jesus, you friend/s are behind me, spuring me on. Thanks for giving me a lending hand when times are tough going. I may not know who you are, still, I do hope it won’t be “heavy” for you.
At work, I’m back to the Shiyun I am…. the happy, passionate, motivated person, etc… things has been doing well… Thank God for the things that Little dino and mama had done for me, trying hard to persuade the HR pp, and finding ways to help me. I’m really grateful. Still … please , I have to make tis decision because once the opportunity is is gone…. it’s gone. I do not want to miss the time, kairos moment. Hope you understand… if I miss this chance, it will never be another chance again…. the only I miss will be the good collegues I worked with. Yes, of cos there are things which I still trying hard to release.. which I would not put it down here… but I still hope… the 2nd concern tt DW state, will turn out good. I hope. Think being objective is important at work… it helps me to be more competent in judgement and decision making. Yes, I was ever informed for not using “heart” to work… exactly!!! why should I use heart to work? Because you have use too much “heart”, you became too personal with the remarks. Although I can be emotional, I can be a objective person. because I need to make the right decision. using too much “heart” distrupt your decision making.
what it takes to be a friend?? If you want a friend, be a friend yourselve. the things that you have done, has torn the relationship apart… what you try to save, you lost the more important ones. what is your value? Or what do you value?

I’m really confuse and very very hard to find the courage to sign up for SOT.  What am I going to do? I really dunno how? Where to find the finance to support myself and settle my monthly requirement? I’m really really lost. I just realise the closing date is over. And school is starting soon… very very soon. how how how!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!! I really want to go… but situation really doesnt allow me to go.

I don’t mind working harder these few months.. but I’ve no direction at all. Stucked…. SOS!!!!!

Seemed that pp are reading my entries… haha

Ya, I decide to let go and let God. Should there wrong done or unjust done… i will let go. So that I can release myself. I want the Shiyun to be back, the happy shiyun who use live with a sense of destiny. She still can start her nonsense, but I will just let her be. My life is in God’s hand, and His grace is sufficient. Yes, I decided to let her have her own ways. I’ll talk to her nicely, and I would not say anything that go against her will even it’s wrong nor should I judge her. She wants to have her ways and refuse to listen to other comment, I’ll let her be. really… "He who has ear, let him hears."

But she is definitely a negative example for leadership and I hope I would not end up like her… to the extent, yes…I really feel sorry for her. I start to forgive and release her into God’s hand. By doing so, I release myself. My time and energy should be spend in more fruitful things. I need to invest my time properly, sowing good seeds into good grounds. Seed that would grow and fruitful. Yes, I need to be careful with time, how to spend it, who to spend it on, what is it spend on… Our lives is short, don’t waste it before you even realise it.

Yes, I’ve be prompt to do sth that reallie that I would not do even till this point of time I don’t think I would DARE to do. But I’ll put my trust in God… If He can bring a gal who always thinks as a failure in life, to whom she can be right now.. Why can’t I trust Him this time. Yes, it’s really a big step of faith… what’s ahead, I dont dare to say.. but I know it’s going to be exciting adventure ahead. Ya, think the excitment comes in the way that you won’t know what’s really ahead of you and yet you put all the hope and trust in Him, that it’s going to work out. Yes, He will see me through. As of how… I’ve still yet to get an answer. But faith is really an action and I should be fast!!! Oh dear.. hope it’s not too late.

KE is leaving us on Tuesday… gonna miss him. Actually, all of us kinda know he has attitude problem… but, i pitied him because i understand why he had such attitude. Many pp look at the surface… but they never look further., what cause such a big chnage in attitude? Pp critised him for not doing his work… but did they actuaaly put themselve in his shoe? They complainted that he left shit for them to do.. but why dont they take the initiative to do it in the first place? why cast the stone at him when they made the same mistake as well? Do you even know him as a friend? Yes,  he can be sensitive, but at least he sense.

A small tribute for him… He is definitely a very sincere person. There’s really a great destiny in him. I would say that there are things that the lab really need him. But most of the time they only see his weaknesses. He can be a fun person to be with, I mean it. He has a sense of responsibilty and can be very creative at times. He is definitely a clever person, no doubt, a fast learner. If the environment would not force him to this extent, he would have a great future. What more can we really asked for such technician like him? Did we really understand why he had such change of atittude? Are we too quick to judged or " labelled" him?

Probably, his leaving should prompt us to think that are we creating an suitable environment/culture for people to "move on", I mean good prospect. Are we focusing too much on the person’s weakness that we forgot about his strength? Are we too judgemental or do we think that we’re in the position to judge him because we are superior to him in terms of title? Do you forget that we do have our own weaknesses too? what if you are him all these times?

KE, I want to say… I’m sorry. Because I am guilty of one of those too. Yet, should there be an opportunity to work tgt again… I will be my pleasure. Believe that you have a great future… all the best.

I apologies that this entry will not be sth positive… please do not read on. This entry is purely for recollection of days in jurassic park.. heehee.. tt’s how I defines it.

I believe God never put us thru a trial to fail us, and I know that His grace is sufficient for me, that’s how I get thru this week…

Monday, I recieved an email regarding some issues happened on last weekend, I hardly had a chance to sit down to read & undersand the issue and was called into the mtg as i was late. Being in there I was asked to run some test to evaluate the condition without reallie understand the situation. They told me that there were already 5 pcs of samples on my table which I did not even realise, it was too sudden for me to react. I run the test and it was positive according to the test.  Surely i really had no idea what had happened, I was reprimanded for accepting the 5 pcs left on my table over the weekend where I was not around… I take it, and I know that my good friend is not very happy about the situation but I did not ask y thinking that she need some time to cool down. I was to review the result with the team on 1530. It was quite a heated discussion between my good friend and the rest of the team, I stay in a awarkward position. I did not put a stand becos I’ve still not read the issue… becos I was still in reaction mode, no time to waste for test. It when bad, snow white was called in upon escalation by SMG, and apple went to see big dino to help, as both refuse to give in. It was quite sometime, so I decided to look for her just in case, she feels bad… and can be a listen ear to her… Found her with Bdino. Bdino question me for not detecting the issue early. Unknowingly, I became my fault… in the 1st pl, not one told me about this shipment at all… nevermind.. I take it. The mtg goes on with much more tests for me do which took me till midnight to get most of the things done. Yet, she kept pestering me to release another product screen test results… at 2000, I wonder why was it so impt that most of the pp were already left, can’t I release it tmr? Think she really … and should really be more objective. i’m not against her but I’m trying to reason out…

Tuesday, I cont’d with the unfinished test. MAMA menopause sympton started. She drag D to aside and accuse him be wasting his time in running a tedious test, then Ericsan got it, afterwards… MINE TURN. "SY YOU GOT DO CONTIUNITY TEST?" "ya.." i replied. "SO ALL 5 PCS GOT CONTIUNITY???""no.. all 5 pcs does not have contiunity""HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU FROM THE BEGINNING THAT YOU NEED TO INCLUDE CONTIUNITY TEST DURING SIZING?…ETC" …. does it sound funnie? i tot I just told her that I did the test & i even told her the result. Is she listening to me? Am I speaking other languages? Nvm, I take it. MAMA and goodfriend went ahead with the same test that I just did… repeating the same test. She wanted MAMA to support her decision… as she feels everyone is against her… yet MAMA is having her way to get me. Mtg, she had her way for not shiping the parts and demand for test result she tt she did not submit. MAMA tot I did it. MAMA went to the database, and search out a report no. and demand me to search the results out. 20th Mar was the date where the parts were submitted, and i was on leave.. so the test was not handle by mi. I printed out the leave form and highlight to her tt I was on leave."I DON NEED YOU TO PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE ON LEAVE TT DAY!!! I WANT YOU TO SEARCH FOR ALL THE RESULTS AND THE SAMPLES THAT THIS TEST IS SUBMITTED!!!  YOU GO AND FIND IT OUT!" the first thing tt came to my mind… how I know what was the test submited for when I’m not around? Tues, I worked till midnght again becos I need to rush for another product which needs my attention than all this. tt’s nite, WC found the submission form, it was submitted by goodfriend submitted BUT it was a different test.. and the most interesting thing is, this request form is filed by MAMA herself!!! … what’s the matter?? why must she be so against me? Does pulling down your empolyee makes you feel better?

Wednesday, i left the request form on her table. She saw it and hopefully that she realise tt it was her mistake. She walked toawards mi.. I tot at least her tone can be better..NO.. it wasnt. "OK, THANK YOU FOR GETTING THIS REQUEST FORM. AND IT WAS NOT THE ONE TT NY IS ASKING FOR. CAN YOU ASK HER WHETHER SHE EVER SUBMIT THE TEST FOR xx279GEN 3?" Again, I was pinned for sth not my fault and she made me revert such nasty qns to my goodfriend. that day, my goodfriend is not feeling well. DW and I went to little dino for part release matter… and saw my goodfriend with a letter holding in her hand… she was smiling… I know she will be fine again. But I was reprimanded for not checking the module card by little dino. yet, please.. I;m not the one who handle the screen test tt day!!!!!  Nvm… I will not shun away for responsibility.. i take it. After all, I should check the quality of the card used. I missed my bus to BS lesson, and was slightly late for lesson. Worse, I forgot to bring my workbook…. dear dear… what  a bad attitude ger here.

Today, it was annoucned that my good friend and DW and few other pp were promoted. I was really happy for them… cos I know DW really has the calibre and their handwork has reallie paid off. I know why I couldnt get it with my latest situation with MAMA. It does affect my appraisal in a way or another, so I was not hoping for it. Till I realise that all the pp in the SODIMM team got it… except me. at this moment, I really hope that my deduction of the SODIMM team can be wrong. like I told DW, that this promotion does encourage him… he tot that I was discourage.. no.. I was a little disappointed (in hope tt my deduction is wrong). yet I can share the joy with the two of them. i know tat if I want a friend, I myself should be a friend too. sharing their victories with them even I myself is at the bottom of the pit. For God’s grace is upon me. I still can smile at the storms… even when times are bad.

I was called in to a mtg suddenly. I sat in, and the pr engineer from another dept tried to explain to me y he needs the MC to be cleaned. Actually, the matter of fact, i do agree on cleaning the MC, but we need to discuss and agree upon on the method of cleaning.Immediately, her mouth opens, "So S, When can I have the procedure, can I have the ECD? I need to know." What ECD are you talking about when we have not even start discussion? We do not need to raise a request form to standardise this simple method. why need to create a big Woo-Haa… and demand for ECD?

My mind changed right after tt, I decided nt to agree to cleaning the MC. I explained my stand. She immediately picks up her HP and call dino, " J, we have some issue here and need your view on this… xxxx… but we have a test engineer does not agree becos she thinks that… etc." Dino was not free and postpone the mtg to 1515.

"S, we shall go and see J at 1515." 1500, WK need me to rush a report.. her sms came at 1510, "you coming?".. WK call her and explained that he needs me to rush a urgent report… 1520"where are you, coming?" I refuse to reply to her sms, i insist not to waste sms on replying such rude sms.

Mtg starts…. dino was reasoning out lots of thing about cleaning module card. In the end, he decide to lub the card rather then cleaning with IPA. great! Everything confirmed and came to consensus… No cleaning but Lub. Then dino make a remark,"actually I don really agree on cleaning the MC.. maintain the intergrity … etc…" guess wat, her mouth opens, " actually I also think that cleaning is not very good." I was totally carried off… in the first place… she was the one who call dino that i do not want to relent to the cleaning. Now she is agreeing to wat she trying to protest on earlier… what is her stand? why does her view changes when dino remarks? Isn’t it clear that she just want to tear me down in the morning mtg by using L and YT pressure? giving them the impression that I am the bad guy who refuse to go where everyone is going.

the worse thing came to me.. one of my trusting buddy said that I’ve been fighting too hard… don’t I feel tired? yes I do… but why would I react to such thing unless sth triggers? I’m sorry that you trying to be neutral party.. and have been hearing quite alot of ocmplaint from me. I;m sorry… that I should not share i with you. sorry that it makes you think that I;m the juan niu jiao jian.

why everyone thinks i’m the bad guy? should I just relent to her nonsense everytime? be a yes person as what she likes? someone who always listen to her? maybe i should stop resisting what ever is wrong and say it is correct like everyone else.. becos it sounds right. thinks that is what makes me a juan niu jiao jian.

Finally felt bold to pen it down… I feel that

1. I need a leader more than another manager

A leader serves, not rule and reign. The way up is the way down. Understand the pp at the bottom, hear their concern. Have you even realise that pp talk less to you nowadays? Sorry to say the atmosphere with you around in the lab is totally different when you are not around. Yes, you are given the promotion, but this brings you pride, that as such, you were disconnected from the fundamental.Ask why KE changes, why WC don talk to you? Right after your promotion, you keep mentioning that you will be moving up to the DU office. Almost every sentence that came form your mouth:"the management says this.. the management says that.. etc" but the matter of fact, you are "the management" who wants it to be done by your way. Am I right? and you even mention, a manager manage people, the technical things will leave it from to the engineers to do. Yes, it sounds alright to most people. But to me, the attitude is wrong. You are still a Principal ENGINEER!! How to manage engineers when you yourself cannot even convince them the technical principles. Did you even realise I get less info from you again,  because you always repeat the same thing. CR fails because the contact is dirty! Please, then why not the bottom rows! Pride…. blinds you, robs you… eventually destroy you. You are not willing to learn, unlearn and relearn, then you will always stay where you are.

2. I need a leader who can solve problem, eps technical aspect

I’m not saying you are creating problem. But where are you when we need help? Where are you when I struggling to do the 5-in-1 PCB layout? All you did is you pass me the a few useless PCB, and you accelerate the hopelessness by pushing me for the deadline, so to meet your management expectation!!! In the end I have to sought for GongGong’s help. Why can’t a principal engineer help? Are you even ashame that your engineer got to look for someone else and ask for help instead of you? So do you think that I need a principal engineer more than another manager? Someone who can help me solve problem? Please, you are a PRINCPAL engineer, not a manager yet. Learn to manage your engineer first.

3. I need a wise leader not judgemental

when the PCB cannot be delivered in time, you first qns:"so what should we do the next time?" I’ve already explained to you the reason that the SD were late and I even got to take the risk of making the PCB with a unconfirmed SD. But you were so judgement by asking me what is the lesson learnt? Please, in the first place, you did not even help me solve my problem. Secondly, in your mind you were already judge me for missing the delivery date. so what is the purposes of explaining to you the reason? Is it my fault in the first place? Right after that, you left me to handle the issue all myself. A leader like Jack, explained with the situation, help me get in all the necessary help he can, keeping the situation in control, what about you? He provides the solution I do the picking up. You only trying to help when things almost in the way. No, you almost mess things up by calling Royston and re-arranging timing.

4. I need a leader who can manage engineers as well.

the way you micromanage me, shows me you are no longer confident and had no security in yourself. We are engineers, we do have our own plans. The way you insist me to follow your plans, pushing me for deadlines, updating me about my failure to meet #1, #3 etc as well as demend for an explanation on why I can’t meet the deadline, just shows me that your way of management can only manage technicians. Exactly like what Jack says… when he talk delegate assignment to pr.engineer, to engineers, to technician… are all different. Learn from him!!! I don’t knw whether he got my hint. the past few months I’ve been saying that i’m more of lab tech than an engineer are precisely what I’m feeling. Come on, the reason I join this company is because I cannot adapt to jap culture working environment, and yet you are doing it. Somehow, I’m kind of glad that you are taking some management classes outside. I hope things going to change. But still, mindset has to be change. Theories are just words till you put them into actions, else you going to be like those lecture room chairs, hears a lot, dead of movement. Remember the time when I’m running 78188, you don see the importance of CR with the samples and you instruct WC to cut the no of samples when I told you we have sufficient time to do it! All I need to do is the replace the solderability test with more CR samples! That’s all. See, you are just so insecure that you try to manage and almost get everything mess up! Please, give us some space to handle our own projects.

5. I need a leader who speaks tactfully and also in emails

People doesn’t care how much you know till they know how much you care. Kind,tactful words, encourgement does carries weight. Your spitefully " I DONT AGREE!", "IT’S TOTALLY BELOW MY EXPECTATION!"… See the words you use. The I,ME, MYSELF, is there. "I don agree" words spat out across the lab, the very first thought that came to my mind… WHO CARES whether you agree a not. See, if you dont care how much we care, who cares about you. Your "I don agree" doesn’t carry weight. it just fades off. If your words are already so, how much more is your emails. Read your emails by replacing your sender’s name if your name, would you like it? Also, tone changes when you CC to Jack, WOW!! PLease be real to yourself and us.

6. I need a leader who is fruitful/visionary

A tree is known by it’s fruit. An apple tree produces apples. Healthy tree produce nice big juicy fruit. Same as a leader. what kind of engineers are you producing? Engineers who only listens to you? Pp who says yes, ok to you all the time without thinking? Successful leaders made greater leaders. You always said "change is the only constant in life". But do you know who said this? If all you can share is your past experiences, where are your recent victories? DO you have something to work towards for? Oh yes, you told me be the Best in class lab. But you can’t even tell me or describe to me, what do you meant by best in class? Where do you see the lab 5 years..10 years down the road? Are you limited in your vision?

okie so much for now.. will contiune…

Was summon into a mtg half way my break by little dino. Ya, mid-yr review time. But this time is very different… little dino was in as well. and I definitely know what is coming…

Atmosphere is pretty uneasy… rather very very appalling. Dino talked for about 30min trying to get me to speak… vain. I can’t. so much hurt and bitterness has choke me to say anything… on the other hand, I try not to recall what exactly happened because it just hurt so much… so much frustration… so much of unjustice.. so much of accusation.. so much of PAIN. No matter how hard dino try to persuade me to talk.. I simply just… Keep mum. But thoughts just keep swimming in the back of my head…

the whole session is just like a "INTERROGATION-IN-PROGRSS", suspect=me. all I can say.. "i dunno.. what can I say.. no.. just say what you want me to do then I’ll follow.. etc" I don want to say what happened… to protect me and to protect her. How can I confront her of her mis-management in front of her, and tear her down of what she always think she is good of? How can I?

what really struck me… dino says "maybe in you past company is jap culture, top-down, but over here.. is not like tt" In the first place, I know it’s a america compnay tt’s Y I choose to work here.. BUT in the lab IT WASNT SO!!!!!!! I hate TOP_DOWN culture!!! But you are giving me the TOP DOWN culture!!! DON YOU SEE IT. your dear subordinate has suppress mi to "you say, I do" because of her management. Pls… I don want to confront her.

I lose hope… expectation down to zero. Just do whatever you want to me. transfer me out or make me report to eric, whatever you want. because I’m train not to have any stand… who say we have the enpowerment? who say?? Are you ever managed by her ever? Have you?

First year.. I tot I found a good supervisor to follow. But as time passes… things changed. Managing engineer is not the same as techincian. You treated me like technician!!!

Screaming……….. to as much as my lung can hold… but who hears me???????

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw sth like I really like yesterday, and wanted to bless my good friends in the company as form of appreciation… but everything ended so sad… disappointed… so disheartening… to the extent that I felt like throwing in the towel.

Ok, maybe I should just give her what she wants… the answers that she wants all these..

I’m sorry that the report went out late because I’ve been skriving all day long in the company

I’m sorry that I should be just a nominal engineer who sits in the lab and write report all day long

I’m sorry that I willingly accept whatever test ppl request without any question asked

I’m sorry that the report is late because I don’t really like the engineer, that I purposely delay the report sending

I’m sorry that I shoudl not be so involve in the SODIMM and only move my legs when they submit samples

I’m sorry that I’ve been going around to ask question to know more

I’m sorry that I should anyhow start my characterisation project despite of the failure last year

I’m sorry that I should work longer than 1730 because there’s always work for me to do

I’m sorry that I should work long hours to show my commitment to the company

I’m sorry that I did not tell you what’s wrong with me and that I only inform you that I’m on MC that day,OR maybe I should even tell you why that doctor give me MC

I’m sorry that I did not demand for an explanation from my technician why are they on MC that day cos I choose to trust them

I’m sorry that I should not demand for proper sample submission when the requestor did not even submit request form

I’m sorry that I should give ECD even before the samples were submitted

If this is what she wants… that she can be happy that I give her all this.

Kinda sad because little dino allow her to do this to me. Disappointed when I good friend say that writing summary of the review is what I should do, not to "show" to your manager. Is that what pp think of me???

Wounded… when your own pp shoots arrow at you when you tot someone who has the ability to stop it, allow the arrow to reach it’s target. But the wound went deeper when your close friend,a friend whom you think will understands, added another into the very old wound….

so hurt…

Another year has pass…

Wanted to get the "situation" back to the normal… but pretty hard.  Today I learn a word "Mico-management", as I understand more about this.. I get more upset. The phrase "seen as a tactic used by managers to eliminate unwanted employees", I was really stunned. Is that how the person I replaced get eliminated?

Interim is coming… I’m really helpless when I look at the goals set for me last year. somehow I really want to show her the goal setting card… at least a guide for her to set Goals (at least the SMART ways). Yet, I wonder she ever reflect upon her attitude last year. Of cos I do need to reflect on my attitude… but does she ever think why such attitude in the first place?

Somehow, Little dino has make it worse. Anyway he’s going way tmr…  and Gong Gong not around… I wonder how can I ever survive this week. Sigh… worse if she starts her blame game. how long shall I tolerate her?? How long must I keep swallowing shit from her? How long…

signing off… unhappy engineer..no.. high class lab tech